The Jeice Show
The Cui Show
Episode Thirteen

Note: I forgot to do a disclaimer a long time ago, so here it is - Stuff doesn't belong to me. There, I said it.

(SCENE: A hallway. Jeice and Nabiki are walking down it. In the background the rest of the crew are doing random things.)

Nabiki: Okay, after looking around the place, I've noted some of the things that need to be cut back on to save money. Number One: Coffee.

(Jeice slaps his forehead.)

Jeice: WHAT?

Nabiki: Well, you're using that fancy brand...

Jeice: We buy our coffee from a supermarket for like 300 yen!

Nabiki: Exactly. Why don't you get the two-hundred yen coffee? Is it too good for you?

Jeice: ... Uh... Well... It tastes like a cup of liquid erasers, okay?

Nabiki: I'm sure you'll learn to like it.

Jeice: What the hell did I do to piss the boss off?

Nabiki: Nothing. It's just that ratings are down and he's taking his anger out on you.

Jeice: Why are ratings down?

Nabiki: Hey, #18, turn the TV on!

(Android #18 turns the television on, and a logo saying "The Raditz Show" appears. Raditz's face appears on the screen.)

Raditz: Welcome to another episode of The Raditz Show! Tonight we have.... me, the Hero of Earth! That's all you need for a blockbuster show, right? Oh, and we'll drop Nappa into a tank full of piranhas for no reason at ALL!

(#18 turns the TV off.)

Jeice: ... Oh, okay.

Nabiki: And, though it's great you're booking some of the guys from Nerima, they don't exactly scream "RATINGS!"

Jeice: ... The Raditz Show has Seto Kaiba and Pikachu tonight, and they can keep pulling in stars like that. Who'd want to be on OUR show?

Nabiki: That reminds me, do you think Raditz' show is hiring right now?

#18: Yeah, I'd like to know that too.

Jeice: I'm laughing on the inside.

(At that moment, Dodoria runs in from off-camera.)

Dodoria: Jeice, the crowd's getting restless!

(CUT TO: The crowd. It's MysticalJade (And maybe not even her for long if I keep updating this infrequently), some hostages, a couple Ginyu Force fans, and some redneck. Why a redneck is in Japan I'll never know.)

Redneck: PLAY "FREEBIRD"!

(CUT TO: Backstage.)

Jeice: ... Oookay. Let's get this show over with, then!

(The Jeice Show's theme plays as the crowd of... eight cheers half heartedly. Jeice and Burter are in their usual places.)

Jeice: All right, hello, I'm Jeice, and you're watching The Jeice Show! Unless you're watching the Radditz Show and just checking on how desperate we are getting for ratings. Today on the show we have Ryoga Hibiki, Tatewaki Kuno, Mousse, and Pantyhose Taro.

(One of the hostages cheers half-heartedly.)

Jeice: Yes, I'm psyched too. But first, a segment I like to call "Random Acts of Violence." Burter, get the TV.

(Burter runs off-stage, though you don't see it, and reappears with a TV. Jeice plugs it in, and Burter sets it on the floor. Jeice turns it on, and it's the Raditz show, surprise surprise.)

Raditz: Welcome back to the Raditz Show! I'm just going to sit here and watch the ratings gain by the second.

(He does just that. Jeice powers up a ki blast and blows the television up. Cut to the Audience.)

Hostage #1: Was there really any need for that?

Hostage #3: It's a Dragonball Z 'fic. There has to be some sort of pointless explosion or nobody will read.

Hostage #1: Oh.... Wait, people read this?

Hostage #2: Not really.

(Cut back to Jeice.)

Jeice: Well, that was fun. We should do that every episode! Or every ten minutes.

(Cut backstage. A bandanna wearing teen, another in a loose gi carrying a bokuto, another in Chinese robes and glasses, and a slightly older, slightly effeminate looking Chinese man are in the back, looking around. These are the guests, Ryoga, Kuno, Mousse, and Taro.)

Ryoga: Now where are we?

Mousse: Ryoga, we didn't take a wrong turn...

Kuno: Because we didn't let you navigate.

Taro: Huh huh.

Ryoga: Taro, could you say something else?

Taro: Shut up, pig boy.

Mousse: Why is he even here?

Taro: ...

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, Mimete shows up. I'm sure you know what's coming.)

Mimete: YES! Four Nerima HOTTIES in one place! And you're ALL eligible bachelors, aren't ya?

Mousse: Excuse me? My heart belongs to the beautiful Amazon goddess Shampoo, and...

Mimete: Besides you.

Ryoga: (Embarrassed) Well... uh... there's this girl named Akane and...

Kuno: Ryoga Hibiki, dear friend, please take this fine young woman up on her offer and go on a date with her... I'm sure the virtuous and noble Akane Tendo would not mind, and...

Ryoga: Shut up, you're just trying to get her all to yourself!

Kuno: (Indignant, though he knows that Ryoga's right) I am not, you plebian! How dare you insinuate that the great Tatewaki Kuno would do such a thing?

(Mimete turns to Taro.)

Mimete: Um, how about...

Taro: (Saying the one thing he says frequently for some reason) Huh-huh.

Mimete: Oh, I give up. (Exits)

(CUT TO: Jeice. He seems to be on a tirade.)

Jeice: And you know what? I could beat Radditz into paste without even trying! I LET him face Mr. Satan, and then... Oh, forget it. We do have actual guests tonight, folks, and I'd like to start bringing them out right about now, so please welcome Ryoga Hibiki!

(Silence. Ryoga doesn't come out.)

Jeice: ... Uh, Tatewaki Kuno?

(Kuno doesn't come out either.)

Burter: See, this is why we should have a house band. That way our guests can know when to come out.

Jeice: Why can't they just listen to me?

Burter: ... No comment.

Jeice: Okay, uh... How about Mousse? ... Taro, maybe?

(Neither of them come out. Instead, it's Cui.)

Cui: Uh, Jeice? Two of those guys from Nerima started fighting over some girl, and it's kinda escalated from there.

Jeice: Cui, you're stronger than all of them! Why don't you just stop the fight?

Cui: I would, but two of them have large, blunt objects.

(Jeice shudders, knowing that no matter how strong an anime character is, a large, blunt object can still knock them out.)

Jeice: Uh, all right. Burter, come on. Cui, you amuse the crowd until we can get things settled.

(Jeice and Burter go backstage, leaving Cui standing in front of the audience.)

Cui: Um, hi there. I'm Cui, and normally they don't make me do stuff like this. I wonder why, because I really am an entertaining guy, am I right?

(Beat. Crickets chirp.)

Cui: ... Okay, maybe not. But I'm better than Recoome, all right? So, I've, uh, I've got a joke! Yeah! It goes like this; a priest, a rabbi, and Courtney Love walk into a bar... Oh, wait, that's not it. Uh... Wait, I know this one, I swear! Hold on, I know a better one. Uh... What did one chicken say to the other chicken? "Are you gonna do it or are you just CHICKEN?" Get it? Because they're both chickens and it's an expression and... Maybe I should get someone else to do this.

(CUT TO: Backstage. Jeice, Nabiki, and #18 are watching the four guests fight.)

Jeice: Is there anything we can do about this?

#18: Nothing short of a black hole is going to stop the Nerima Wrecking Crew at this point.

Jeice: The what?

#18: Nerima Wrecking Crew. Nabiki called them that. Before getting the heck out of here when she saw the first sign of fighting.

Jeice: I have a feeling I know why they're called that, they're completely trashed the place.

Burter: ... Nothing we can do, huh?

Nabiki: Nope.

Burter: All right, I'm going to get something to drink.

Jeice: Me too.

#18: I'll come, too.

(They leave, but Jeice stops them.)

Jeice: Hey, didn't we leave Cui out there hosting the show?

Burter: Well, it couldn't make our ratings any worse than they are now.

#18: Unless ratings can go into negative numbers.

(Jeice shrugs and they leave. CUT TO: Back to the stage. Cui isn't alone anymore, as Matt Ishida has joined him.)

Cui: Welcome back to The Cui Show! I'm Cui and this is my sidekick Matt...

Matt: Wait, I'm the sidekick?

Cui: Yeah.

Matt: (Sigh) I should have tried to sign on for Digimon Tamers...

Cui: Anyway, we have a GREAT show for you tonight, as I will be telling more jokes, and... Is the audience ASLEEP?

Matt: Looks that way.

Cui: Well, as long as we have cameramen, it will be... HEY! Cameraman! Get back here! Don't leave! (Apparently whatever Stooge was filming says something off-screen, but it's unintelligible.) What? Oh no, I'M not a knucklehead! That's it, I'm coming over there!

(Cui flies off-screen, and you can hear the fistfight clearly, complete with wacky sound effects for every punch. Cui walks back on-screen a minute later, beaten and bruised.)

Matt: ... You tried to get in a fight with Moe, didn't you?

Cui: You mean the one with the bowl haircut? The one who is clearly evil incarnate?

Matt: That's the one.

Cui: ... Yes. Okay, this couldn't possibly get any worse for me.

(Some of the lighting falls down onto Cui, and ONLY Cui.)

Cui: ... I'm turning the stupid camera off myself before a giant bear attacks me or something. Well, that was the first... and last episode of The Cui Show, folks. Thanks for watching me suffer.

(He fires a ki blast at the camera. Static.)

NEXT: The Jeice Show is pressured to become more of a generic talk show, and the Supreme Kai, the most pathetic god ever, is the guest, and maybe he'll actually get interviewed! All this and more on episode fourteen of The Jeice Show - "Canon-ball!"

(Another Author's Note: Can you believe it's been a year and five months? ... Okay, you probably can if you've read my fics before and know how randomly they update.)