The Jeice Show
Alien Spectacular
Episode Twelve

(Jeice, Zarbon, Yamato, and Nabiki are hanging around the studio entrance)

Jeice: So, when do these new guys arrive?

Nabiki: Well, Ranma does have problems with schedules. He was probably challenged to a duel fifteen times on the way here.

Yamato: Wow. People hate him a lot, huh?

Nabiki: Only a few, but theirs equals the hatred of an entire city.

(A pig-tailed boy lands next to Jeice and cracks his knuckles boredly.)

Jeice: You're.

Boy: Yup, Ranma Saotome.

Jeice: Okay, then.

Ranma: So, what exactly am I doing?

Jeice: Nothing.

Ranma: . What?

Jeice: This is the "Alien Spectacular". All the non-alien cast members are going to be locked in a break room. It's gonna be you, Nabiki, #18, Yamato, Mimete, and the new camera men.

Ranma: . And I'm actually getting paid for this?

Jeice: Yup.

Ranma: Wow. That's freaking easy!

Jeice: You'll be stuck with a prettyboy, a homicidal babe, and four weirdos in a room with a boy-obsessed psycho chick. That's easy?

Ranma: Come to Nerima some time, you'll see what I mean.

Jeice: Ooookay. Well, come on, the show's about to start, so let's go.

(All five walk into the building. As the door closes, the sign "The Jeice Show - Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here")

(Cue the theme song, which has finally sort of set into a talk show-ish thing for now. Jeice is tossing a pen up in the air boredly, while Burter leans back and stares at the celing. The music ends and both snap to attention)

Jeice: What? We're on? Uh. Well, hello, viewers! Season Two is officially underway, and what better way to kick it off than an Alien Spectacular?

Burter: I can think of a few.

Jeice: *Ahem* Well, anyway, our first guest is an alien trying to take over the world secretly, and. Wait. why the heck would he be on a talk show, anyway?

(BACKSTAGE: A small green alien, otherwise known as Zim from Invader Zim is hanging out backstage)

Zim: Wait. Why AM I? (Runs off)

(Back on-stage, Jeice is interrupted by Zarbon)

Zarbon: He just ran away.

Jeice: . Oh. Crud. Well. Uh, new guest. Yamcha!

(Yamcha walks in, gets fired at by various weapons, and leaves)

Jeice: AAAAAAARGH! Well. I've got it! It's time to check in on the non- alien members of the cast! We locked them in the break room! Isn't that. sub-par?

(The audience cheers)

Jeice: . Great.

(CUT TO: The Break Room. Ranma's talking with the cameramen)

Ranma: So, you're the camera guys?

Bowl-Cut Guy: That's correct! We're the best cameramen who ever camera'd! I'm Moe Howard, brains of the outfit!

Buzz-Cut Guy: I'm Curly Howard, muscle of da outfit!

Weird-Hair Guy: I'm Larry Fine, hair of the outfit!

Barbershop-Cut Guy: I'm Shemp Howard. the other guy.

(Just then, Mimete enters)

Mimete: Well, this should be - YAMATO. AND RANMA SAOTOME. IN THE SAME ROOM?

Ranma: . Uh.

Yamato: Run. Hide.

(Mimete chases after them, as #18 and Nabiki drink some coffee)

#18: This is going to be a long day, I can feel it.

(CUT TO: On-stage.)

Jeice: . Well, this s0hould be interesting. Uh, anyway, our next guest is the Legendary Super Saiya-jin!

(CUT TO: Goku's house.)

Goku: (Pouting) But I'M the Legendary Super Saiya-jin!

Chi-Chi: (Pats Goku on the back) There, there. Don't make me kill you again.

(CUT BACK TO: the set)

Jeice: Here he is. BROLLI!

(Brolli walks onstage, yells, and sits down)

Jeice: So, how are you?

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT!

Jeice: That makes no -

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT!

Jeice: Um.

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT!

Jeice: Er.

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT!

Jeice: (Sighs)

Brolli: I say, do not sigh in public, it's very rude, you know.

Jeice: Wait, what?

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT!

Jeice: Damn it. You can go now.

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT!

Jeice: .. GO.

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT!

(Jeice throws a sticky note with the word "HI! I'M KAKKAROTT!" on it on a audience member)

Jeice: LOOK, BROLLI! There's Kakkarott!

Audience Member: What the - AAAAAAAH! (Runs away)

Brolli: KILL KAKKAROTT! (Runs after him)

Jeice: Well, that sucked. Let's see how those non-alien cast members are doing!

(CUT TO: The break room. Ranma and Yamato have piled chairs around them, and Mimete's destroying the chairs just as fast as the pretty-boys can put them up. The Stooges have been hit by just about every chair Mimete's thrown out of her way, so they're all pretty much unconscious, except for Moe, who's almost. No, wait. They're all unconscious now. Nabiki's under a table, trying to finish her cup of coffee, and #18 is still drinking her coffee and reading a newspaper, oblivious to the chairs that have shattered on impact when they hit her.)

#18: Heh heh. That crazy Dilbert, what will he do next?

Yamato: Well, I'm glad to see YOU'RE having fun!

#18: Yep. How are you two holding up, anyway?

Ranma: Oh, we're just GREAT! We're being harassed by an insane boy crazy witch. And how are you?

#18: Same old, same old.

(CUT back TO: Jeice)

Jeice: Sadly enough that's been the high point of the show, so far. Our third, and thankfully final, guest is a traitorous evil queen who has taken over many, many worlds.. And she has a sitcom on FOX. Sarah Kerrigan, Queen of the Zerg!

(Kerrigan walks in, and sits by Burter, who edges away from her)

Jeice: Uh.. Hi.

Kerrigan: . HI? You've totally interrupted my quest for evil and all you have to say is HI?

Jeice: . You aren't having a good day, are you?

Kerrigan: I rarely do.

Jeice: So, tell us about your latest project.

Kerrigan: Oh, it's called "The Annihilation of Mars". It's somewhat self- explanatory, actually.

Jeice: Is it a dramatic love story?

Kerrigan: . No.

Jeice: Oh. Damn. Because that's what your invasions need.

Kerrigan: . A love story?

Jeice: Yeah.

Kerrigan: Hmm, maybe I could get a couple Zerglings to go with that.

Jeice: Cool.

Jeice: (Desperate for a topic) So, this is the "Alien Spectacular".

Kerrigan: It is? Technically, I'm not an alien. You know that, right?

Jeice: . What?

Kerrigan: I'm basically an infested human.

Jeice: Oh. Well, what were you infested by?

Kerrigan: The Zerg.

Jeice: And they are..

Kerrigans: (Sigh) Aliens.

Jeice: That's good enough.

Kerrigan: . Jeez, who the hell booked me on this thing, anyway?

Jeice, Guldo (Doing camerawork for this episode), and Burter: (Quickly) Recoome.

Recoome: (Off-stage) HEY! I don't even do booking anymore!

Jeice: It doesn't matter.

Burter: Kill him anyway.

Guldo: Please.

Kerrigan: Do I get extra pay if I do?

Jeice: Sure!

Burter: Yeah, go for it!

Kerrigan: All right, then... (Walks off-stage)

Recoome: (OS) OW! OUCH! STOP THAT! Oooh, that tickles. Wait, now it burns! GAAAAAH!

(Kerrigan walks back on-stage)

Kerrigan: I decided not to kill him.

Jeice: Why the hell not?

Kerrigan: Because he ran off. I don't have super speed, you know.

Jeice: . Great.

Kerrigan: .

Jeice: .

Everyone Else: .

Kerrigan: Can I go now?

Jeice: (Sigh) Fine.

(Kerrigan leaves)

Jeice: That's great. That's just GREAT. And I bet that the Raditz show has something big and spectacular.

Audience Member: . There's a Raditz Show?

Jeice: . No. I'm lying.

Audience Member #2: I bet it's great!

Jeice: It doesn't exist. I was lying, I said!

Audience Member #3: Let's go watch the Raditz show!

(All of the audience leaves)

Jeice: . Now how the hell do we end this?

(Burter walks off-stage)

Jeice: . That looks about right. (Exits as well)

NEXT: Mimete's going into hyperventilation - The "hunks" of Ranma ½ (Kuno, Mousse, Ryoga (Hey, we promised.), and Taro) are in the studio! That's all. Really. Gaah.